you wont beat me!

Shattered and worn out, limp and useless
Pain, pleasure, discomfort.
I know I should feel something, anything.
Anything would be better than this void right now.

Just so sad, and tired.
Tired of putting up a face each day
Tired of making sure everyone else is ok,
Just so sick and tired of feeling so sad all the time.

I try to let people know just how low I have got.
I want to scream at them to “see me! Please just look”.
I want to reach out and say I need help
Yet I stay quiet too ashamed to say help.

I have moments, glimmers really of what happiness is
I wish they would stay, but I hope in vain.
Those moments are rare and almost teasing in their very nature.

I think I should be punished and so I just let the blackness settle over me.
It is almost comforting, like it has become a soft fluffy quilt.

I am almost too afraid to seek that help now,
But I will.
Because you see my arch enemy, my ever constant companion,
You may of dragged me down low this time
But I will never let you win.

Struggling

Well I am really struggling at the moment. I know I have to go back to the GP and get sorted out on my meds again. At the moment I am soo annoyed with my family for being the last straw. But I guess it was bound to happen anyway so i cant blame them for that... I can however blame them for being mean and nasty and totally disrespectful to myself and worse my kids.

Still struggling with the lads illness and once again he has a nasty chest infection. It never seems to end with these bugs with him. I know it cant be much fun for him either, but man I am just so tired. I feel like the bad guy everyday with him forcing him to go to school when i know if it were any other kids they would stay home, its just that he is sick so often he has missed too much already.

It was my 15th wedding anniverary yesterday, the bright spot of my week. I texted hubby several times early in the morning saying how the years have flown and how lucky he was that he married me lol at 9am he called me to wish me happy anniversary and pretended to be shocked and pleasantly surprised that he remembered lol. he bought me home a beautiful bunch of flowers.... only the 4th time since i have known him that he has given me flowers so in 18 years thats pretty darn special. we had takeaway chinese for dinner.. the kids had chickentreat hehe. it was a nice evening hubby even stayed up till 7pm whoo hoo what rebels we are lol.

bit of a scare

Welltoday gave me a bit of a fright. The lads headache is still there. The dr's cant find what is wrong with him still, have decided it has to be a virus, since he is still coughing. This mornign though his BP dropped a bit and his pulse slowed down. but he started to feel better a bit later on so still sent him to school. We only got him as far at the front gates though, before he collapsed. I tell you what your heart never jumps in your throat quite so quick as when that happens. one minute he is up and walking next he is on the ground. He sad his headache got really bad for a second and then he was down. He hasnt done that in so long. I still dont know whether to get him up to the hospital as i am sure they will just say its the cold again and then i will have dragged him up there again and out of his bed for now reason.
It drives me insane how they say if your worried bring him up, but then you take him up and they dismiss it as a virus. I never knew virus's made your temp go down!!!! I know we are on the merry go round again so a part of me is just think I might as well wait till it gets worse, then they might do something, but then another part of me thinks get him up there this could be the bad one and your not going to get there in time. It wont matter which way i go it will the worng one by everyone else, but they arent the ones having to make the deciscions and deal with the conciquenses of it every day, so as far as i am concerned their opinions mean next to nothing... i just know hubby is going to rant and rave though, yet where is he!!! oh yeah he's at work not having to deal with yet another crisis. easy for him to make judgement when he isnt the one copping the flack from the dr's and not being listened too.
Ahhh I know i am having a total bitch, but today really scared me, and i just dont know what to do. The sane me knows i have to bite the bullet and just go up there........ i just dont want it to be bad news either i guess. I dont think i am coping too well today.

Gunna be a long week

well I still have a sick kid. starting to worry now that maybe there is a partial blockage. We will see how he wakes up, but I have got all the housework and washing done just to be sure. At least if I have all that done I know that all is sorted out here and one less thing to worry about. Plus the added bonus that if I am organised He will be ok and no hospital stay needed. I know jaded, but thats the way it seems to go. you know murpheys law and all that.

I dont want the inlaws to know about trent, cause they are due to go down south next week and i dont wnat to be responsible for them not going and then the lad be ok.... good grief I would never hear the end of it.

with him getting over a virus I know the docs wont take it seriously anyway unless he gets really bad, so I am a bit hesitant in taking him up there. You kind of get a bit sick of being told its in your mind I dont know how a kid can make these things up!!! my guess he must be a bloody genius if that's the case. Yes He wants to miss out on having fun, he really loves it when other kids leave him out of things, oh and my fave he just really, really loves being in pain!!! bloody doctors need a bloomin bushsell lit under their arses before they ever do anything. cant half tell I am living on no sleep. lol.

anyway best get back to the washing so i can pack the bags, who knows with luckI can just unpack it again in a couple of days. fingers crossed.

yey its friday

well friday at last, so far today i have spent it at the hospital with my oldest, thankfully no blocked shunt, but he has definate pressure related problems- cant walk in a straight line, gets all woobly in the knees when walking, nausea and of course the good ol nasty headache to boot. But all is good he just has a virus so he should be on the mend in a day or so. in the mean time i guess he just needs a close eye on him.

The youngest has the nasty bug too, he slept the entire day away yesterday and still slept through the night. He's looking 90% better though so hopefully it will be the same for the other. Oh and of course hubby texted to say he is sick again and feeling rotten. All i can say is god anyone that makes me sick!!!! lol.

I feel like making some cholate chip muffins, must be feeling all maternal today or some nesting thing going on with my hormones lol. bananas cakes last night choc muffins today, i am soo going to be the size of a whale by the end of summer at this rate.

The great thing about hubby being sick is now i dont have to socialise tonight, we were menat to have his mate and wife and 3 kids over, but i canned it ith the kids being sick yippeee... and yes i do like them and the kids(shock horror) but i am just not in a socializing mood today, although when am I??? any how thats my exciting day for today touchwood it stays as unexciting with the kids at least.

Its raining its pouring

wow its been raining a nice steady rain since i woke up this morning. Its just too beautiful a day for words!!!
not a scrap of wind, and the steady sound of drops on the roof, no scorching sun to blind you into submission instead a soft light behind big full grey clouds. I think i died and went to heaven today lol. Yes i knwo the little things excite me.... better that then never finding pleasure in anything lol.
the cats are all in curled up on lounge chair each and the dog is curled up on one of the kids beds, they are in their rooms watching a movie the poor sick buggers. just dont share their bugs with me and all will stay good lol.

ok now i know what to say

Ok well I had decided that i wasnt going to let my middle sister or my parents get to me any more. But just now I have had a phone call from my youngest sister and she has let slip a few things that I didnt know. Maybe i didnt want to know I am just tired of the anger eating me and tired of feeling second best. Tired of being told I have the charmed life yet my other sister has it sooo tough she needs all the help she can get, then mum tells me off for being too independant for my own good.

Hello!! I never had a choice. I have my own mum and sister laugh at me while pregas with first child saying i will never be a good mum cause i have no maternal instinct. I had a choice i guess shrivel up an let them win or prove them wrong and thats what I did. I never asked for help parenting wise EVER from anyone My kids are hte way they are because i had them 24/7 other than school. I never dumped them off on grandparents for a holiday of my own. No Day care (nothing against day care) but I decided that nobody was going to take credit for anything made a rod for my back i know, but when you get your mind messed with thats the consiquence i guess.

Anyway not much i can do about it i guess and i have just wasted another few mments letting them get to me. But I do feel better( a bit) rellies huh you cant pick em!!!

my first blog

Well this is my first blog. and only my nearset and trusted will be privy... I will probably use this to laugh alot, let off a bit of steam or general chit chat. So dont take any notice of what i say its just my airing out my mind spot.
My mind is a very complex maze.... think rabbit warren and you might be close to seeing what my brain is like most days, some days i might make sense, I doubt it, but you never know you could get lucky, or you just might be as insane as me if you understand me..... Now THATS a worry!!!
Anyways i will get back to this when i have more time